Every story has a murder

It’s not quite 5pm but there’s still 30 minutes until my next thing and I have no one else to talk to so here we are again.

I couldn’t sleep last night, probably because I got two good nights of sleep in a row and I didn’t exercise yesterday. But my fitbit told me not to! My readiness score was not ready! So yeah I stayed up all night finishing up this nutbar documentary on HBO, Love Has Won: The Cult of Mother God. It’s really good. Cult shows are never boring but this one really takes the cake. this mother god chick is a piece of work. it’s extra special because most of the people who they interviewed are still full on nuts. The cult disbanded but they’re still saying insane shit in the interviews like “mother ascended” and “robin williams is on the galactic a team” etc. There are a lot of cults out there! I’ve worked with several clients who have escaped from cults. Most of them were led by their parents and took off when they got older, a lot of ultra conservative christian sects with charismatic leaders and idiotic rules. They’re so obvious to spot it’s hard to imagine anyone falling for the malarky. I mean, if anyone says, “oh hey turns out I’m Jesus” like. Probably not though, right?

Back to Mother God, I truly don’t want to give it away because the journey to the conclusion features things I’ve genuinely never really seen before, grotesque body stuff and medical phenomena in intimate detail. I’ll give you a hint: in the mother god cult, alcohol and weed is medicine to be taken all day every day, humans don’t need food or water and some crazy shit called colloidal silver is a cure all. And it’s just a coincidence that the lady who drank it every day turned blue and died at 45.

Anyway, great show.

And then it was 2am and I still couldn’t sleep, watched about an hour of the Ezra McCandless murder trial (I say it like you all just know what that is) and boy, another piece of work! There are better ways to solve your problems than with stabbing, folks.

So I slept in and didn’t do a proper morning routine as planned. Does everyone have this fantasy? The get up with the sun, dreamily look out the window, a steaming mug, do your stretches and your morning pages, ease into the day like a blooming flower? Instead I dropped to the earth like a giraffe out of the womb, welcome to earth, bitch. 5 minutes late to my first appointment, cowardly blamed technical difficulties. I would tell the truth if it were an older client but they were brand new. Picture it: “Sorry, I slept in. Up all night watching cult shows and murder trials. Your problems are safe with me!” they are, though.

It’s not the safest thing but I didn’t have time to let the dog out properly and supervised, so I just opened the motel door, let her wander out into the parking lot/woods and hoped for the best. This will be important in a moment.

Imagine my shock and horror when this afternoon I noticed a huge slab of raw meat just sprawled out in the middle of the room. In fact, it evoked two separate images from Devil’s Advocate. There’s the part where the voodoo doctor drives the nail into the cow’s tongue and renders the opposing council silent with voodoo magic. And then, remember when Charlize Theron wakes up and finds a baby in the kitchen and the baby is playing with blood and intestines? I thought of both of these moments at once, combined. I’m being sincere when I tell you that my first thought was that this was a terrible omen from the devil portending something awful in my future. It took a little longer to arrive at the more reasonable conclusion that this was a cut of meat from the garbage, maybe venison, I don’t know, that Wendy wrestled inside, mercifully concluded was too large or rotten to eat and then just left there for me to find. I suppose the former could still be true but the latter is more reasonable. Right??

After work, Wendy and I set out for Dead River Falls, which we were unable to find. You know when google maps is like “you’re here!” but you’re just in the fucking woods with no trails or waterfalls in site? In any case, we found another trail off of “forestville road” (I swear this place is made up) and it was all so breathtakingly beautiful but my phone died and I couldn’t take any pictures.

You believe me though, right? We went for a walk in the woods, I swear!