Every story has a murder

Blogging every day about my life is extremely interesting, to me personally. I can’t think of a topic more fascinating. People sometimes say that they are not very interested in themselves and I do not relate.

Yesterday I said I felt 3 out of 10 and I predicted today would be a 4 and I think that’s spot on. I’ll tell it in chronological order.

The goal is to wake up at 7am and I failed, but that’s only one way to look at it. On Monday I woke up at 7am but I only got 5 hours and I felt tired and weird. Last night I feIl asleep before 2am and when Alexa woke me up I asked her to let me go back to sleep several times, “alexa, snooze” and she said okay just as cheery as anything and Wendy and I got up about 10 minutes before my first client which is much more my usual but not the preferred thing.

Eight hours of sleep feels great except it makes me panic that I’ll never get to sleep the next night. It’s midnight now and I feel sick of the day but that’s not the same thing as tired, exactly. So I wake up and start working and it’s fine. I had two new clients today and they were both great, two males which is a nice balance.

Between 1 and 2:30 I stole away for a hike with Wendy on the Noquemanon Trail and it was terrific, a beautiful hike along a frozen body of water with trees, rocks and snow. The reason for the season. A 5 star yelp.

On the trail, my mother texted that someone found my passport at Pet Supplies Plus. Another miracle. (Is the first miracle the frozen lake?) My first thought is grateful, happy, relieved, and next I think I don’t deserve this. I was a pretty big baby about losing my passport. I made my mother think that I thought the world was ending and I knew she’d do anything to make me feel better, and that included her express mailing me the thing from Detroit. Sometimes we learn consequences and sometimes people just bail us out and we don’t learn anything.

This may be too harsh. Was I wicked to rifle through my fanny pack looking for my credit card, somehow in that moment displace the passport, use my mother’s rewards phone number so that they called her when the passport was recovered, and then allow my mother to ship it to me post haste? I guess the lesson here is that I wish I hadn’t gotten so upset in the first place.

To counteract my upset I evoked my favorite Louise Hay mantra: “All is well in my world. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe.” And I suppose the mantra came true, so long as we expand the definition of good.

A pretty successful day so far, but I’m depressed anyway. After the hike I came home and my 2:30 called off so there’s a long break between then and my evening block from 8-10. I went to walmart again. I got as many jugs of water as I could carry, a high protein tv dinner, oh and then a stop at the dollar tree for supplies to do my dishes in the bathtub which I did and it was awesome.

I felt that I should work out but didn’t want to. I signed up for a $40 week of unlimited hot yoga 5 minutes from here and went to the 5:30 class anyway. I felt very anxious leading up to it (not about the class. not about anything, just a physical feeling of dread) and then the class was kind of hard and weird, truth be told. I was counting on feeling amazing afterward and it barely worked.

My 8pm is a new good client and my 9pm didn’t show. They didn’t last week either and I elected not to text them this time. They’ll need to be taken off the schedule and replaced but this isn’t the space to talk about the client or my feelings on the matter. I’ll say I’m not happy or sad. People come and go and that’s part of the job.

I ate the frozen meal before my 8pm client. It was pretty good. I ate less than 1800 calories today. I set up smart bulbs in all the lights in the motel because that kind of stuff makes me feel better in the space.

I played one game of Smallworld with Aaron remotely and massacred him so terribly that he didn’t want to play anymore for the night.

Today was a real “let go, let god” kind of day in that I tried my best to do all my chores and tasks, to be here for people and to take good care of myself. I did all of that and I felt sad doing it. I don’t want to guess how I’ll feel tomorrow. But if I had to… it’s probably going to be a 5 out of 10.